I read an article this morning by Nicole Yorio Jurick of REDBOOK, and I want to share some of it with you, because it rings true for the countless number of couples I’ve counseled over the years. She listed 7 warning signs that divorced couples say they missed during their marriage. I will just list 4 of them for you and give my brief opinion:
“My husband stopped going places with me–family functions, work events, dinner parties.” – Meredith T., Philadelphia
This often causes problems, but it doesn’t have too if you will simply communicate. Find out why your significant other doesn’t want to go to these functions. I had a friend who was an accountant and her husband was a mechanic. When they attended her work related parties and events he felt very out-of-place. He loved his wife and wanted to spend time with her, but felt like a “fish out of water” around her white-collar cronies. Again, it usually comes back to communication.
“Whenever I walked in the door, my husband greeted me by yelling-about the phone bill, disorganized cabinets, anything and everything!” – Judy L., Pittsburgh
This is a BIG problem in many relationships. The spouse comes through the front door after a long day at work, and before even saying hello they begin complaining. And this can go both ways…sometimes a partner walks through the door after work and they would simply love a hug, but instead they are confronted with multiple complaints. We’ve all heard the saying, “There is a time and place for everything.” Give your partner time to wind down before launching the torpedo’s of torment. You both deserve your time to vent, but it’s always better to relax and think it through first.
“She invited my in-laws on every vacation instead of having us spend time alone together.” – Nate S., Charlotte, NC
When I do premarital counseling I’m always concerned when I hear that the couple is spending a lot of time with future in-laws. No offense to my female readers, but often times a woman just assumes that her hubby loves spending time with her family as much as she does. There is a reason that the ancient tradition and teachings involved the words “leave your mother and father.”
If you are dating someone who seems overly attached to their parents then you better hope you LOVE spending time with your future in-laws. If you don’t care for them or if they simply irritate you then you are in for a rough road of love! In fact, I would recommend that you live a minimum of a 15 minute drive from family. And when you don’t get your way it won’t be so easy to run to mommy or daddy to complain. And remember, of course your parents are going to take your side, because they are hearing YOUR SIDE of the story.
“He always spent money on things without telling me-on tools, electronics, etc. The tipping point was when he bought his mom a car and didn’t understand why I felt angry and betrayed when I found out.” – Sonya S., Palo Alto, CA
This is a LOADED statement from Sonya S! Stay with me on this one, because what I’m about to say may piss a few of you off. First, I would guess that Sonya is trying to do something a spouse should never do…she is parenting her husband. The phrase “without telling me” sends up a red flag. Now ladies before you start sending me hate mail please know that I agree with her point. Her husband should have discussed major purchases with her. However, when either a man or woman uses words or phrases associated with parenting I get concerned.
If you parent your partner then you are turning a marriage into a parent/child relationship. And while a parent/child relationship is filled with love it is filled with ZERO intimacy. Men, you aren’t your partner’s daddy, and ladies…you aren’t your partners momma. After all, you’ve seen their mother or father and do you really want them to picture that when looking at you?
And with all that being said, when you get married it is no longer YOUR money. Your money becomes OUR money. If you aren’t ready to share then don’t get married.