If You were Meant to Be Controlled You’d come with A Remote

img_6380The need to control or be controlled is a relationship killer! We’ve been talking about building a strong foundation for life and more specifically for relationships.  When we enter into a relationship we have an established foundation. And for some of you lucky folks that foundation may be very strong!

However, As we talked about yesterday, that foundation can be severely damaged, due to our past.  One example, when fear is in the foundation, it can cause us to run when we start to care for someone.  As soon as we start to care a red flag starts waving and and an annoying  voice screams, “You might get hurt…run! Run Forrest Run!”  It’s imperative we repair that part of our foundation so that we don’t run from what is good for us. Let’s move to talking about a need to be controlled and then we’ll hit you control freaks.

Yes, there are those who I believe have a need to be controlled.  There were moments I thought I was one of them.  However, I realized I’m simply like my father.  Meaning, I will go along with the “control” as long as it is what I want to do anyway.  If I begin to feel as though I’m being controlled to do things outside my desires or values then I’m out!  But what about you?  Do you find yourself in controlling relationships?

This is a common thing with those of us that are the “babies of the family” or only children.  We get accustomed to being taken care of and so we can adjust easily to a controlling situation.  However, it can also lead to misery for us and our partner. Let me quickly explain.  This is one of those damned if you do and damned if you don’t for the person who appears to want to be controlled.  Because they were also spoiled!  Meaning, they got what they wanted growing up.  Guess what, the control freak may take JOY in not giving you what you want.  It gives them a power they feed on! And it won’t be long until the spoiled child/adult revolts and chaos ensues! All of a sudden the dynamics of the relationship change and the “control freak” will ((well))  freak out and the spoiled child begins to become the problem child!  It gets ugly!

Ironically, the control freak does love us, and not just because they are in control.  And they may not even realize they don’t want to always be in control.  Their past just tells them that if they give up control then things go horribly wrong  Let’s wrap this part up by saying, you are a grown ass man or woman…you don’t need another momma or daddy.  So if your foundation for relationships and life has the “I need to be taken care of” brick in it…fix it! If you’re already in a relationship with a controlling person they won’t like it (at first).  Their need for control will be threatened.  So email me for a good therapist…you’ll need it. And when they realize they no longer have to do all the work in the relationship they may just love it!

So what about you control freaks? You know who you are!  There is nothing in your home out of order, you know where everything is located and when you get to it…it is  color coordinated, your dog and even your cat behaves when you are home, and you lose your dang mind when things don’t go as you planned. Listen, I love you!  Seriously, I admire your ability to take control and keep things in order.  And as I alluded to earlier, I am attracted to you, because I can’t even organize the trunk of my car! Seriously, I drive a nice Mercedes and it looks like I live in it! However, God gave me one momma and one daddy so I have my limits in a relationship. And that is my point to you.  When you are over controlling you move your relationships from a boyfriend/girlfriend connection to a parent/child connection. And guess what? When you move to the parent/child connection intimacy flies out the window!  I’m having some fun with this, but please take note.  If your relationships tend to go from hot and steamy to quick “pecks” on the cheek or lips then this may be what is happening.  I don’t want to be gross, but when you start seeming like mom or dad then you aren’t going to get those long romantic kisses anymore.

When I was a counselor I would have couples come in and the intimacy was gone! They were having less sex than a 95 year-old heart-patient in an ICU.  And it wouldn’t be long until I would see the parent/child dynamic.  Let me say it one more time, God gave us one momma and one daddy…we don’t need another one.  If the need to control is in your foundation for life and love then fix that brick!  Sure, there are places in your life where you need to be large and in charge, but not with your sugar booger! What? You don’t call them your sugar booger? Well, start there and watch things start rocking and rolling! Ah, if it were just that easy right?

In summary, please know that I do love you control freaks…I need you in my life (to a point).  You are strong and powerful leaders in our community.  I would just encourage you to keep that in the boardroom and leave it out of your home, and especially the bedroom.

Love you,


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Tony Russell

Hello, my name is Tony and I have a lot of great advice, because I have made a lot of mistakes! I am a former licensed counselor and pastor, but I have learned more about life through my experiences than my education. I make my living as the host of the morning show on 98.7 The Bull in Portland, Oregon. Being a counselor didn't stop me from hitting a midlife crisis. I began questioning everything from my self-worth to my spiritual beliefs. And if that wasn't enough, surprise! I found out I would be getting a divorce. This has all lead to a journey that can be full of extreme anxiety, depression, and soul searching. I have the same questions as you do and maybe together we can find some answers. My goal for this blog is to share my journey in hopes that it will help you better navigate this amazing time in life. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to contact me. I know life can be difficult, but I find that it is easier when we do it together!

5 thoughts on “If You were Meant to Be Controlled You’d come with A Remote”

  1. I just got out of a relationship 4 months ago with a man that didn’t want me to ride my horse, or go have a girls night playing dice because it meant I was doing something without him. I will never make that mistake again.


  2. I will read that narcacist one close… I was married to one for 24 years… I really wish I could find that one person that just wants to live, enjoy life together… do things together… be a team 100/100 🙂


  3. Wow, again, your words are making me feel better. It is so refreshing to hear a funny men like yourself with opinions and knowledge the way you do. Thank you so much for your blogs. I am finding some good comfort in them. Have a lovely day 😊


  4. I actually find myself a little in both of those categories. I’m somewhat of a control freak. I don’t necessarily want to be controlled, but want someone to care enough to encourage me to do things. Maybe that’s different. I think that may have been part of my issue in my marriage. I wanted him to show me he he cared about anything, I started to control him more because that I could do.


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