The ONE way to Deal with Mr. or Ms. Know it All!

narWe have all met Mr. or Ms. Know it All right?  They try to one-up every story, monopolize conversations, and they will try like hell to be the first to answer a question…even when they weren’t the one being asked!  So what would be the reason for this annoying behavior?  Well, it likely revolves around their narcissism or insecurity.  Some may say that the narcissist is insecure, and that is what spurs them on toward superiority.  I wouldn’t fully disagree with that, but there are a couple of differences I find between those who are acting out of insecurity and those who are truly narcissistic, and I believe it is important to be able to determine the difference.  Because one you need to run from, and the other you simply need to run toward.

The insecure person wants to be respected, because they lack self-respect.  The insecure Mr. or Ms. Know it All is practically begging to be admired and valued because of a need for acceptance.  However, the Narcissistic Mr. or Ms. Know it all feels that you should realize you need them, they are due your admiration, and they are highly valuable to any organization lucky enough to have them.

So the next time you meet someone and they are a Know it All don’t rush to judgement.  Figure out where they are coming from.  If they are insecure then take the time to breathe life into their soul!  Dr. Chuck Swindoll says, “Encouragement is oxygen to the soul.”  The insecure person will grow from your encouragement and will eventually stop being a Know it All.  The narcissistic Know it All will not.  They will feed off of admiration and encouragement, and rather than allowing it to make them a more polite and secure person it tends to inflate the ego.  And it leads to them treating others poorly, because they truly see all others as beneath them.  To sum up my point, the insecure person feels as though they need you in their life, while the narcissist feels as though you need them in your life.

 

Want to have AMAZING Relationships? Then read my, “ABCs of A Healthy Relationship”.

oopsI was recently in someone’s home and noticed a stone tablet that I absolutely loved.  On the tablet was what I would call the Relationship Alphabet, and for each letter there was very brief relationship advice.  Over the next several days I would like to share some of the advice with you.  A is for “Admit Mistakes” and I’m not sure people fully understand how powerful this step can be in improving their relationships. There is another way of saying “admit your mistake” and that would be, “Say you are sorry“, but maybe that will be S!

I was raised in a home where both my parent were willing to say they were sorry so this comes easy to me.  Well that and I screw up often, and I have had a lot of practice!  Many of you may be reading this and saying, “Tony my honey bunny never ever admits they are wrong and I…I always have to say I’m sorry first.”  I know that can be difficult, but if it opens up the lanes of communication and thus forgiveness then just keep taking the high road.  If it isn’t leading to forgiveness and resolution then I would highly recommend finding a good marriage counselor.  Now, let’s think about another situation for a moment.  What happens when two people who can’t admit their mistakes get together?

When two stubborn people argue and hurt one another, but never admit they are wrong or say “I’m sorry” then how do they resolve conflict?  They don’t…they simply go back to pretending that it never happened, and there is no resolution to the problem.  Therefore, as time goes by the pain and resentment are stored in their emotional and relational vault called the heart.  Eventually the vault (heart) becomes full of all those things that tear people apart, and ironically they may describe it as a feeling of emptiness.  The heart is far from being empty, and in fact it is overflowing with emotional damage.  You see, when people learn to say they are truly sorry and admit they are wrong then issues can be resolved, and the healing can begin to take place.  Thus, the space in your heart can be filled with what it was designed for…love.

Tony Russell, MA, LMHC (inactive)

If you have some thoughts or questions please feel free to send me an email below.  Also, PLEASE hit a share button below to let your friends on Facebook, Twitter, & etc. know about The Next Half.  

No Humor in Someone Losing Their Honey: Divorce of Russell & Ashton Wilson

russell-Wilson-Ashton-Meem-wedding-picWhen the news of Russell and Ashton Wilson filing for divorce was released I was honestly saddened and disappointed.  Not disappointed in them as individuals, but that apparently their marriage is over.  Like the many fans here in Seattle I have enjoyed seeing the pictures of the two of them visiting our local children’s hospital.  I pictured them as having a wonderful marriage full of happiness, faith, and excitement.  Even as a counselor who knows what you see is often not what you get…I allowed myself to put them on a pedestal.  I think a byproduct of moving into midlife as a man is that we get more sentimental about life and even love!  We realize how quickly life goes, and we want to see younger people enjoying every moment of it.

As a radio personality it is expected that I’ll say something comedic or controversial about the situation, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to that point with this situation.  Yes, I know they are both young, they have no children, and they will find love again, but that still doesn’t negate the fact that yet another marriage has failed.  I too filed for divorce when I was in my mid-twenties with no children involved, and it was still a very painful process.  No one is prepared for the friends and family members they lose in that process.  My point being that a divorce is always painful even if it is needed and/or wanted. There is truly life after divorce, but at the moment it is happening the world seems very dark for most.  This is especially true for those who have children, and file for divorce.  They then have to battle depression, anxiety, and the ugly one…guilt.

I simply want those of you who are thinking about getting a divorce to follow the advice my mother gave me at one time.  Do everything you can to save your marriage before walking away from it.  And by trying everything I’m talking about marital counseling, sitting down together and truly listening to what the other wants from the relationship, and being willing to make some changes and compromises.  But with all of that being said remember that you only get one life to live, and you should be happy and be treated with love and compassion.  I would never encourage someone to stay in a relationship where they are miserable, but make sure you can’t find love right where you are before moving on.  I am married to the love of my life, and I’m so glad we stuck together through the difficult times.

 

How Your Momma Could Be Killing Your Relationship

600x400-motherinlawThere are a few things that could be killing your relationship and one of them could be someone you dearly love! 

 

 

Listen and please share!

Take This Brief Test to Determine if you are a JERK Or In A Relationship with One!

Photo from http://www.forfreepsychology.wordpress.com

I want us to talk about a very challenge and difficult group of people who are prevalent in society, and often in places of authority.  And if you are very unfortunate you may be in a close working or personal relationship with them.   And when I say difficult or challenging I mean that they hurt you, deceived you, and left you confused.

In everyday life we often crudely refer to these people as a bitch or asshole.  If you take the higher ground then you may simply call them a jerk, challenging, or difficult.  The type of people I want to talk about are also often referred to as ego maniacs, but there is a clinical term for them.  The clinical term for what I want us to talk about is narcissism or narcissistic.

Sharon Greenthal of The Huffington Post gives us a few symptoms and a brief description:

 Some of the symptoms of narcissism include:

  • Believing that you’re better than others
  • Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
  • Exaggerating achievements or talents
  • Expecting constant praise and admiration
  • Believing you’re special and acting accordingly

I realize that what I’m about to say seems overly dramatic, but I want you to know that few people on earth can destroy your self-esteem, make your life chaotic, and hurt you like the moderate to extreme narcissist.  It is very important to know that you will not win an argument with them, because they have no problem “hitting below the belt” or lying to make a point or get out of trouble.  And they won’t hesitate to crush you with direct insults that may have nothing to do with the argument.  The following paragraph explains their anger like this:

The anger of narcissists…can be more demeaning. Their criticism evolves from their conviction that others don’t meet their lofty standards-or worse, aren’t letting them get their own way. “Narcissistic injuries,” or wounds to the ego, often pave the way for narcissistic rages, which can be passive-aggressive or planned out, as well as sudden. They are above you and you have displeased them and probably deserve punishment they will dole out. – Psychology Today

You must understand that life is all about them!  They want all the attention, all the love, and will do whatever it takes to get it. They will make you believe that they care about you if you feed their ego, but you must know they never get full from swallowing compliments and accolades.  In fact, like vodka tonics to an alcoholic, the more they get–the more they want.  In other words, they will suck the life out of you!

I think you get the point, a moderate to high level narcissist will make life difficult for everyone.  So now comes the difficult question of the day, “Are you a narcissist?”  The answer is likely yes on some level.  There are definitely levels of narcissism, which Dr. Drew Pinsky discusses in his book, “The Mirror Effect.”  He also designed a test for us to see just how narcissistic we may be, which I have copied and pasted below from USAToday.  It will also help you evaluate the level of narcissism you may be dealing with that person you recently referred to as an asshole!  Because if they are at a high level and refuse to get help you may need to make some difficult decision…unless you enjoy living in hell.  It will also help each of us determine if we need to do a little work on ourselves.

So let’s do this, we can all take the test and then come back tomorrow to discuss the results.  And for those of us in midlife I want to say that I believe that the higher the score…the more difficult growing older will be us.  I will explain more tomorrow, but it is very interesting.  So since I’m asking you to take the test it is only fair that I go first.  My score was 10, which I believe means I wasn’t completely honest with myself!  As you will see, there are only two options and sometimes you must pick the best of the worst (in my opinion).  So I’m guessing I’m closer to 12-14.  If you obtain a high score don’t panic and label yourself a jerk…the results would need to be looked at more closely.  Don’t get me wrong, you might be a jerk, but I just don’t want you to jump to that conclusion (insert goofy smiley face here).  Please share your results and comments!

The Narcissistic Personality Inventory (Choose the statement that best describes you):

1. A. I have a natural talent for influencing people.
B. I am not good at influencing people.

2. A. Modesty doesn’t become me.
B. I am essentially a modest person.

3. A. I would do almost anything on a dare.
B. I tend to be a fairly cautious person.

4. A. When people compliment me I sometimes get embarrassed.
B. I know that I am good because everybody keeps telling me so.

5. A. The thought of ruling the world frightens the hell out of me.
B. If I ruled the world it would be a better place.

6. A. I can usually talk my way out of anything.
B. I try to accept the consequences of my behavior.

7. A. I prefer to blend in with the crowd.
B. I like to be the center of attention.

8. A. I will be a success.
B. I am not too concerned about success.

9. A. I am no better or worse than most people.
B. I think I am a special person.

10. A. I am not sure if I would make a good leader.
B. I see myself as a good leader.

11. A. I am assertive.
B. I wish I were more assertive.

12. A. I like to have authority over other people.
B. I don’t mind following orders.

13. A. I find it easy to manipulate people.
B. I don’t like it when I find myself manipulating people.

14. A. I insist upon getting the respect that is due me.
B. I usually get the respect that I deserve.

15. A. I don’t particularly like to show off my body.
B. I like to show off my body.

16. A. I can read people like a book.
B. People are sometimes hard to understand.

17. A. If I feel competent I am willing to take responsibility for making decisions.
B. I like to take responsibility for making decisions.

18. A. I just want to be reasonably happy.
B. I want to amount to something in the eyes of the world.

19. A. My body is nothing special.
B. I like to look at my body.

20. A. I try not to be a show off.
B. I will usually show off if I get the chance.

21. A. I always know what I am doing.
B. Sometimes I am not sure of what I am doing.

22. A. I sometimes depend on people to get things done.
B. I rarely depend on anyone else to get things done.

23. A. Sometimes I tell good stories.
B. Everybody likes to hear my stories.

24. A. I expect a great deal from other people.
B. I like to do things for other people.

25. A. I will never be satisfied until I get all that I deserve.
B. I take my satisfactions as they come.

26. A. Compliments embarrass me.
B. I like to be complimented.

27. A. I have a strong will to power.
B. Power for its own sake doesn’t interest me.

28. A. I don’t care about new fads and fashions.
B. I like to start new fads and fashions.

29. A. I like to look at myself in the mirror.
B. I am not particularly interested in looking at myself in the mirror.

30. A. I really like to be the center of attention.
B. It makes me uncomfortable to be the center of attention.

31. A. I can live my life in any way I want to.
B. People can’t always live their lives in terms of what they want.

32. A. Being an authority doesn’t mean that much to me.
B. People always seem to recognize my authority.

33. A. I would prefer to be a leader.
B. It makes little difference to me whether I am a leader or not.

34. A. I am going to be a great person.
B. I hope I am going to be successful.

35. A. People sometimes believe what I tell them.
B. I can make anybody believe anything I want them to.

36. A. I am a born leader.
B. Leadership is a quality that takes a long time to develop.

37. A. I wish somebody would someday write my biography.
B. I don’t like people to pry into my life for any reason.

38. A. I get upset when people don’t notice how I look when I go out in public.
B. I don’t mind blending into the crowd when I go out in public.

39. A. I am more capable than other people.
B. There is a lot that I can learn from other people.

40. A. I am much like everybody else.
B. I am an extraordinary person.

SCORING KEY:

Assign one point for each response that matches the key.

1, 2 and 3: A
4, 5: B
6: A
7: B
8: A
9, 10: B
11, 12, 13, 14: A
15: B
16: A
17, 18, 19, 20: B
21: A
22, 23: B
24, 25: A
26: B
27: A
28: B
29, 30, 31: A
32: B
33, 34: A
35. B
36, 37, 38, 39: A
40: B

The average score for the general population is 15.3. The average score for celebrities is 17.8. Pinsky says he scored 16.

Young says it is important to consider which traits are dominant. For example, an overall score that reflects more points on vanity, entitlement, exhibitionism and exploitiveness is more cause for concern than someone who scores high on authority, self-sufficiency and superiority, he says.

The seven component traits by question:

• Authority: 1, 8, 10, 11, 12, 32, 33, 36

• Self-sufficiency: 17, 21, 22, 31, 34, 39

• Superiority: 4, 9, 26, 37, 40

• Exhibitionism: 2, 3, 7, 20, 28, 30, 38

• Exploitativeness: 6, 13, 16, 23, 35

• Vanity: 15, 19, 29

• Entitlement: 5, 14, 18, 24, 25, 27

Need your help with “important” research: Mr. Grab-ass vs. Mr. A Time & Place for Everything

I’m not sure if the picture you see below of our royal studs is legitimate or not, but when I looked at it I asked myself, “Which one are you Tony?”  And I’m asking all of you guys that read The Next Half, which form of royalty are you?  However, ladies I’m most curious as to which TYPE you would prefer?  Please noteI’m not asking which Prince you think is the most handsome.

I’m asking you guys if you are the type of man who plays a little grab-ass every chance you get, or if you are the “there is a time and place for everything” kind of guy?  And Ladies, which type do you prefer?  Do you like a guy who can’t control himself, or a guy who only waits to be Mr.Grab-ass when he gets you home?

I would ask the guys, which type woman they prefer, but we all know that men want a woman who can’t keep their hands off of him!  Please post your comments below and please feel free to use humor!  If you need some help deciding which type you are I designed my own highly unscientific questionnaire.

The Grab-ass Preference Test:

  1. When you see your significant others butt do you think, “I need to slap it, flip it, and rub it down?”
  2. Guys, do you believe the President should have a day of recognition for the person who designed YOGA PANTS?
  3. Ladies, do you believe men should go back to wearing the 1970’s style running shorts?  The ones, that when they ran, looked like a snake was fighting off two small hamsters.

If you answered yes to ANY of those questions you love to play grab-ass.  If you answered yes to questions 1 or 2 then you may need to join a sexual addiction support group.  Thanks for playing along and I would love for you to give me your comments and share my blog on Facebook & etc. by clicking on a link below.

2 type men

How to make sure that next year’s Valentine’s Day DOESN’T suck! #marriage #relationships

ImageWell some of you have let out a sigh of relief that Valentine’s Day is over and gone.  And some of those sighs came from you who are single, and got tired of seeing roses delivered to your office without your name on them.  And there are those of you that went into Valentine’s Day in a relationship, and came out wishing you weren’t!  So my heart goes out to both of you, and I hope this next year proves to be the one where you find Mr. or Ms. Right!

There are also some of you who gave a big sigh of relief, because it was very stressful trying to find the perfect gift, the perfect restaurant, and then come up with the money to afford both.  Yes some of you pulled it off, but it was so stressful you weren’t even able to enjoy it.  So how can we all make sure next year is different?  Well let me give you a word that is really not a part of my vocabulary, which is the word “plan.”

If you are single when February 14, 2015 draws closer then here is the great news.  It will be on a Saturday, which means you won’t be at work to see all those hoochie momma’s getting roses that you…you the sexy beast in the corner cubicle deserve.  So have a plan ready.  Plan to do something that will take your mind off the fact that the men in your community are obviously blind and don’t know a real hottie when they see it.  Let me recommend what my fellow cohost Ellen Tailor did this year…she threw a big party with her other single friends.  They all came to her bachelorette pad for good wine (not whine) and cheese.  Now I don’t know what the rules were for the singlefest 2014, but I’m hoping she didn’t allow anyone to bring a date.  And then I personally think they should have gotten a limo and headed out to a well known dance club where singles hangout (yes I’m sure no one says dance clubs anymore).  So there you go, just my thought for you singles regardless of your age in 2015.

Now for those of you who are in a relationship I want to recommend you make Valentine’s Day feel less special.  Yes, I think Valentine’s Day should be a wonderful day of love, lust, and watermelon flavored lotions!  Too much info?  Well I think it should be fun and romantic, but so should the rest of your year.  Your entire year should focus on making each other feel loved and special, and then I’m going to guess there won’t be so much pressure on February 14th of every year.  Valentines Day should not be the one day out of the year that our significant other can look forward to feeling special.

I believe that part of the reason so many people feel stressed on the day of lust and love is because the rest of the year is filled with laziness.  Many of us honestly neglect each other throughout the year, which means we feel very disconnected.  So think about that for a moment.  February 14th is focused around two people who are very connected, which makes for a very awkward day when two people are disconnected.  So what do we do?  We try to make up for that disconnection with a dozen roses, and an over priced dinner in a dimly lit room.  And that may mean one or both drinks way too much wine just so they have the courage to make a move or say how they feel. Wow that’s a Hallmark moment to remember.  If you want to have an incredible Valentine’s Day in 2015 then make sure you are already connected when it arrives.  So take my advice and do your best to make the other 364 days of a year a time where you are…well…staying plugged in.  Now see, I didn’t mean it that way!  You all have filty filthy minds!